Talking To My Self


I ran through in my mind several times each day over the past few weeks (yes, procrastination has brought me this far) how I would sharing this but nothing sounded right. Being prepared made me sound too formal while trying sound easygoing made me cringe at how fake I felt, so I guess I should just let things spill from my mind instead of trying to re-arrange them.


A big goal of mine is to release a collection of everything I have accumulated: thoughts and emotions and lessons and questions and realisations and a lot of late night musings that probably don’t make sense. A book, if I may, and maybe a second and third book (and more, of course). And I have, over the past few years, shared some of them on Instagram.

So I thought it would be a good idea to put them all together in one place, somewhat resembling a book. Having them all on Instagram just like that felt a bit too scattered for my liking, to be honest, no matter how much I appreciate that it is also a form of compilation. But I want something that is more than just social media postings! So, yes, that is how I decided that I should start small and simple, with a compilation of what I have shared on Instagram.

Wow, putting down my entire process in words like that made me realise I was complicating something really simple. And because procrastination is such a beloved friend of mine, I took way longer than I needed to. Do you know... I have been talking about this with my friends since as far back as 2017? Oops.


I know it is nothing much and I also know that I am not the best at writing, but every piece in Talking To My Self means a lot to me. Although, yes, some thoughts I have parted ways with and some feelings I no longer process the same way, they were my truth.

In fact, a good portion was written when I was not in the best state of mind. A relapse and anxiety had me on the ground and on my back for a good, solid two years. Putting them down into something more tangible - so I don’t feel like it is only in my head - was the only relief I had. And! At least the paper and pen did not just brush me off.

Looking back now, I hope that what I have shared was, in some way, consolation for anyone who has come across them. How others’ expressing their own thoughts and feelings have helped me, I want to do too for others. But I suppose I am also selfish, because it is not just you who may have found solace and understanding with my writing... I am also comforted by knowing that I am not alone. That I am not the only one feeling the same pain, that I am not the only one haunted by the voices in our minds.

You know how you look back at something, see your then-self and want nothing more than to give them a hug? I feel so, so bad for then-Ellia because nobody should have to feel that alone. But I am also immensely proud of her for pushing through, despite the pain, but this is a story for another day hee.

Awright, this was not meant to be this long. But you know me, one thought leads me to several more and lol but OKAY! The main point is! It is finally here. I finally picked my lazy ass off the ground and put everything together! It was a journey haha looking at how my relationship with the brush and ink has improved over the years (lol faux-poetic) and how my relationship with myself has evolved.

Here it is: Talking To My Self! I uploaded it onto Google Drive so let me know if you are unable to access it or anything like that, so I can fix it! Enjoy seeing how horrible my work was in the beginning lol.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my human heart.

Until the next time,

Ellia <3